Fire and Ice
by jadesword
Summary: Cho Hakkai is getting tired of the Journey to the West, and on the verge of a breakdown...who guards the guardian?


fire and ice   
a hakkai+gojyo fanfic  
  
-- thoughts  
* * -- emphasis  
/ / -- titles  
  
  
A moment of heat. Of warmth.  
All he wanted to ask was one moment...one, single, warm,   
moment. And maybe it would be incentive enough for him to   
reach for one of his own, and another, and more. And if   
he was strong enough, maybe he could claim it all for   
himself: one night, just one night.  
Without the cold pain of her memory, the cold memory of   
her pain....  
Cho Hakkai opened his eyes: midnight shadows over his   
bed, and the sound of wings fluttering rapidly.  
Hakuryuu keened softly above him, watching from its   
hurried, claw-scrabbling landing on the bedpost. Fear and   
anxiety whirled in its jewel-like eyes as it stared him   
down, the wings beginning to emit a thready hum as the   
little white dragon rode the edges of its master's dark   
thoughts.  
Reluctantly getting out of what little body heat he   
had already stored in the bedclothes, Hakkai sat up and   
coaxed the distressed Hakuryuu to his arm, calming down   
the beating pinions, gentling his pet with stroking   
hands and words: 'Hush now, everything's okay, so sorry   
to think such dark thoughts, go back to sleep, it's   
okay....'  
They were whispered inanities to his own ears, as he   
gently rearranged his dragon in the nest of blankets he'd   
placed on the floor beside his bed, level with his own   
pillow. And all I wanted to hear was....  
'Ya, Hakkai, still up?'  
Out of the corner of his good eye the youkai watched,   
bemused, as red hair shimmered in the room's quarter-  
light; he blinked as one particularly fiery strand,   
flaming red-gold, flashed out at him. Sha Gojyo's voice   
was much closer when he heard him again.  
'Need help?'  
Hakkai struggled to keep the sudden, surprised laugh   
from escaping his throat -- while Gojyo might make an   
almost nightly pursuit of sex, he did not think the   
half-breed would even consider bedding someone of his   
own gender. Still, he couldn't help but note the   
circumstances under which the words might have been   
taken differently.  
Light footsteps, and then a corner of the brunette's   
mattress gave way under the other man's weight. He was   
so near that Hakkai could almost sense the other man's   
heat. 'What's wrong with you these days, Hakkai, you're   
spacing out all the time,' Gojyo stated without any   
preamble. 'If you think that dragon's the only one who's   
worried, you're going blind all right.'  
Long silence while Hakkai stared at him, and wondered   
about this sudden worry. He knew that at most Sanzou   
was starting to get annoyed with his increasing   
preoccupation and tiredness, but never expected Goku or,   
yes, Gojyo to feel the same -- or any sort of -- animosity.   
The first person he'd seen after that long, horrific   
night had been this chain-smoking, weapon-toting   
half-human and half-demon redhead, the first person who   
had been warm to him, who had patiently nursed him back   
to health -- for the flimsiest of reasons -- and had later   
been instrumental in bringing him along on the Journey   
to the West. Somehow they had had that bond of friendship   
almost from the very start, and it hadn't been only   
because of gratitude (on Hakkai's part) or loneliness   
(on Gojyo's). There had been respect all along, and   
ties between the two of them that were knitted tighter   
and tighter still, with every day that went by and   
every situation they were in. Every time they found   
themselves guarding each other's backs in a fight,   
every time they found themselves united in worrying   
over Son Goku and his long-delayed, now-nascent   
adolescent phase, every time they exchanged meaningful   
glances over Genjo Sanzou's increasingly withdrawn   
behavior, every time they found themselves rooming   
together and playing all sorts of card games in   
companionable silence to while away the painful, long   
hours until sunrise....  
And now you think you might actually want this man!   
Hakkai winced internally, and not for the potentially   
perverted thought; Sha Gojyo was so loud in his   
preference for beautiful women that there was no way   
he would accept an advance from him, friendship and   
ties or no. He himself couldn't find any reason that   
could even begin to justify something so   
out-of-character for the other.  
He might like the man -- or need him -- maybe enough to   
tell him so, or even to contemplate such drastic   
measures as seducing him, but he needed him for more   
than just that, and he would not have their friendship   
jeopardized for so little. Not for anything this   
fleeting world could offer him.  
So he cleared his throat, smiled, and said, 'Now what   
could make you think that, Gojyo-san, I'm more worried   
about leaving that last round of poker unfinished....'  
  
Jiipu bounced along the empty forest lane, and its   
driver brooded.  
The morning had been a true trial for Hakkai -- first   
Goku had woken up screaming from a nightmare that had   
taken much more food than usual for him to forget, then   
Sanzou had been rather liberal with the death threats   
after having been attacked in his sleep by a minor   
crow-demon, then Gojyo had been withdrawn and quiet for   
some unstated reason, and finally Hakuryuu had refused   
to continue with the journey without him reassuring it   
of better nights to come.  
It was all getting on his nerves, having for all intents   
and purposes assumed the role of the group's all-purpose   
buffer, the one they all turned to -- or on. He was their   
calming voice, their last bastion of reason even in the   
thickest of battles, their patient watcher. They relied on   
him to have the clearest eyes of anyone of them, and so to   
save them.   
It was more than ironic now that he was feeling that he   
truly wanted to go blind. This was the first time that the   
brunette was considering those things he had become for   
the others -- every single one of them -- character flaws.   
If he had to keep watching, had to stay ice in order to   
keep them all safe, had to be the peacekeeper, then he had   
to be the hardest of them all -- harder than any of the   
others, something he already was and had begun to loathe   
in himself, long before the Journey to the West began.   
I am getting so tired of all this.  
'Oi, Hakkai!'  
Sanzou's voice, raised in a shout and almost at his ear,   
kicked him out of his reverie and would have dropped them   
all over the lip of a cliff had Hakkai not instinctively   
stomped on the brakes.  
'Sorry, so sorry to everyone -- and to Jiipu too,' and   
the words spilled from his lips, just enough emotion for   
the others to believe in him; the expression on his face   
contrite as usual. 'Please hand me the map on the back of   
my seat, Goku-san, let's try to check where we are...we   
might be able to find another town by tonight....'  
'The road ends here, Hakkai.' Sanzou again, out of the   
jeep as the others already were, and his voice so cold,   
so frayed around the edges. 'At least until you tell me   
just what the hell is going on around here. If you have a   
problem then spit it out and get over it.'  
'Make him, then.' Suddenly Gojyo was there, standing at   
his side, legs crossed at his ankles in the stance that   
could mean a lot of things -- just having a casual   
conversation, or getting ready to fling himself at the   
enemy. 'Can't make a guy tell you shit if he don't wanna   
say, yanno, Sanzou Houshi-sama? I don't think you're the   
type to understand Hakkai's been under a lot of stress   
lately, nor would he tell you anyway...so let me say   
it for him and let's leave it at that. Hei?'  
'Na, Hakkai,' and Goku sidled up on his other side, the   
top of the younger man's head already level with the   
brunette's shoulder. 'I'll stand here on the other side,   
okay, so you don't feel alone here?'  
Jiipu abruptly changed back to Hakuryuu, spilling out   
their packs and other sundries in a confused heap on   
the forest floor, and made a beeline for its master,   
draping itself protectively around his neck. A quick   
chirp, meant for reassurance, and then it fixed its eyes   
on Sanzou as if daring him to come closer.  
It made for a strange tableau: on one side, a monk in   
formal dress and a gun whose muzzle glinted heartlessly   
in the dying daylight; on the other, three demons   
standing shoulder-to-shoulder, linked by a sinuous   
length of white dragon.  
Hakkai felt something strangely warm running through   
him, the sensation of being wrapped in a fuzzy thick   
blanket stronger than when he had once actually felt it,   
one late-autumn night all those years gone. The three   
others were warm against him, Goku on his right, Gojyo   
on his left, and Hakuryuu loose around his neck, fiery   
and alive.  
Amazingly, all the blonde monk did to that was tuck   
his gun back in his sleeve and shrug. 'You lot have all   
lost your minds, better get them back else we won't go   
on.' That said, he turned onto his heel, and strode off   
into the darkening forest. They could distinctly hear   
him muttering under his breath: 'Crackpots.'  
'Thank you, Gojyo-san, Goku-san,' was all the converted   
youkai could manage as the three of them set up camp   
right there near the cliff-edge.  
Goku waved that off and started looking down at his   
rumbling stomach, the beginnings of a frown creasing   
his handsome features.   
Gojyo finished with the fire, sat himself down beside   
it, and beckoned him over to get warm. 'Well, you owe   
me one again, my friend,' he told Hakkai, and slung a   
chummy arm around his shoulders. 'Not everyday I -- or   
the saru for that matter -- decide to stand against that   
idiot corrupt monk. He thinks we lost our minds, I think   
he never had one in the first place, hei? So now let's   
make ourselves some dinner before Goku decides to have us   
for eating instead.'  
He had seemed to find some warmth in the chores that   
had long since been left to them by the dissolute Sanzou.   
Hakkai sat frozen where Gojyo'd gotten up to convince   
Goku into helping them look for dinner, watching the two   
horsing around as they, too, made their way into the   
forest, and wished hard for some of that warmth to rub off   
onto him.  
  
Long days went on, and soon enough he noticed that   
they'd driven into the deepness of autumn as Jiipu limped   
into a town some miles from the banks of the river that   
they had been following for some time.  
The people, many in festive dress, were quick to direct   
them to the last vacant rooms in town, and there was no   
surprise among the others when Sanzou picked Goku for his   
roommate that night. He was not only growing up to his   
adult stature, he was also growing more into himself with   
each passing day. He was still hungry all the time and   
still got into occasional brawls with Gojyo, but he was   
now well past his whining stage, and had also become a   
superb tactician when it came to the fights they still   
fell into. Besides, that had become their usual   
arrangement in any case.  
Dinner that night was richer than they were normally   
used to, and Goku was not the only one delighted with   
the delicate pastries that capped off the meal, shaped   
like autumn leaves, filled with sweetened bean paste,   
and dusted with cinnamon and sugar. The four of them   
got into a staring match for the last one, and then   
Hakkai was very pleasantly surprised when the others   
gave in, one after another -- Sanzou to order another   
beer, Gojyo to blow a kiss at the waitress who came   
with the beer, and Goku to clean up the few remaining   
leftovers with relish.  
The four of them, plus Hakuryuu, went out after that   
meal into the town that had been decorated with   
flickering lanterns for the Autumn Festival. The last   
fireflies darted around them as they took in the   
sights, and giggling children ran past them, bundled   
up against the impending chill and all sporting warm   
smiles.  
'Hey, I can play that!' Goku laughed as they passed a   
dart-tossing game, and he was immediately jostling the   
other customers aside, slapping a handful of coins into   
the startled booth-tender's hand and sweeping up the six   
darts he was given. Six exploded balloons later, the   
young man was back, his arms laden with booty.  
But he didn't come back by himself; a group of kids --   
none coming up higher than Goku's waist -- were clustered   
around him, laughing and pointing longingly at his prizes.  
'Okay, okay,' they heard him say, chuckling as he   
separated four scarlet roses from the monstrous bunch   
cradled in his left arm, then gave the rest away,   
watching with a smile as the children shared the blooms   
among each other with wide eyes and smiles. 'Yes, they're   
all pretty flowers,' and he bent down to look a little   
girl in the eye. Taking one rose from those she was   
already holding, he stripped it of thorns, then tucked it   
into the end of her long, blonde plait. 'And so are you.'  
'You're a bad influence on him,' was Sanzou's dry   
rejoinder to Gojyo.  
Gojyo grinned back, toothily. 'Better you than me, at   
least he has a social life.'  
'Presents!' Goku laughed as he caught up with them by   
a refreshments stand. 'Can't keep all the prizes for   
myself. So this one's for you, Sanzou,' and he thrust a   
thick, red-bound book into the startled monk's hands,   
along with one of the roses he had saved.   
Slowly Sanzou turned it over: /Miaka's Tale/. 'What   
is this, idiot monkey?'  
'Something for your collection,' he replied, without   
missing a beat. 'They told me it was a good adventure   
story. You like those things, don't you?' A moment of   
thought, then he pulled out a flat package and another   
rose. 'And this's for you, Gojyo. Don't break that.'  
'What is this anyway?' The redhead ripped off the brown   
paper and twine to reveal...a perfectly polished silver   
mirror, set in an ebony-wood frame that was inlaid with   
delicate multicolored glass along the edges. 'Explain   
yourself, saru,' he growled.  
'For when you go out at night! So you don't bug me or   
anyone else about your looks any more!' Goku laughed at   
the expression on the other's face, then yelped as he got   
cuffed lightly over the head. 'Okay, okay, but I still   
think you're the vainest person I ever met! Now, this one's   
for you, Hakuryuu,' and he raised his hand, showing off a   
shot glass and the rose he was offering to the little   
dragon. 'Now you have your own glass to drink from, hei?'  
Hakuryuu chirped happily and took the rose from him,   
clamping the stem tight in its mouth.  
'You can hold it for him, I guess, and this one too,'   
and Goku handed the largest bundle to Hakkai, along   
with the shot glass and the last rose. 'My payment for   
the debt I owe you.'  
'Debt, Goku-san?' Slowly, Hakkai undid the wrapping on   
the large bundle -- to reveal a big, thick blanket in navy   
blue, decorated with a moon-and-stars pattern. 'Oh...this   
is quite a gift....'  
Goku grinned at him, looking very pleased with himself.   
'I told you I'd replace the blanket, so I did.'  
Hakkai was feeling like he was wrapped up in it already,   
the same warmth as standing united with the others   
spreading once again through him. One night they were   
attacked by a stray squadron of Homura Taishi's, who'd had   
no idea of the fate of their overlord, and when they got   
back to their camp Goku had collapsed with a gaping slash   
in his side and a burning fever -- the blade that had   
wounded him had been poisoned. He'd sacrificed his last   
blanket to bandage the younger man's injuries, and slept   
that night without any protection from the elements.  
The morning after that fight a still-delirious Goku had   
promised to repay his kindnesses, and he'd brushed it off   
with a smile. But now he'd kept his word, and Hakkai was   
not surprised to hear the catch in his own voice as he   
spoke again, sincerely: 'Thank you very much, Goku-san,   
you're very generous indeed.'  
'Iya, think nothing of it,' was the reply. 'You take   
care of everyone, so we have to take care of you too.'  
  
The next camp they pitched was a little less inhabited,   
but no worse -- they'd stopped for the night on the edge of   
a large lake somewhere in the forest, which the map called   
'Mermaid's Lake'.  
Except for Hakkai. For some reason he couldn't name, a   
feeling of unease was spreading through him as they   
approached the lake, and when he looked out across the   
clear waters, his heart sank instead of being uplifted by   
such scenery. There was *something* about this place --   
and the rocks in particular -- that troubled him to   
his roots.  
'Na, Hakkai, why's it called that?' Goku called from   
the backseat of Jiipu, his words only slightly muffled   
by the stuffed toy bear he was holding. It was the one   
prize he'd kept for himself from that Autumn Festival,   
and although Gojyo was laughing at him openly for it, he   
steadfastly refused to let the thing go.  
'Those rocks in the center, Goku-san...there's an old   
story from around these parts that says a mermaid used   
to sing from those rocks for her lost lover.'  
'Sounds like you've been here before,' Gojyo said as   
he dropped off a load of firewood.   
Hakkai paled, then blushed faintly. 'I...I once read   
about it, that's all.'  
He did not see the eyebrows raised in his direction --   
Gojyo and Sanzou, who had returned from quartering the   
perimeter to catch the last part of the discussion.  
That unpleasant feeling stayed with him as they ate   
their dinner -- fish from the lake, and a rabbit that had   
strayed within Goku's reach -- in fact it only got worse,   
like a wound he didn't know he'd received and was now   
festering just beneath his skin. There was a strange   
heaviness brooding in the trees around the lake, at   
least for him, and a faint memory of mortal injury....  
Finally, all the chores were over and they scattered,   
each to his own relaxation: Sanzou curled up under a   
tree near the fire, reading /Miaka's Tale/ and smoking;   
Goku went down to the lakeshore and started skating   
rocks across the glassy surface, with some excited   
encouragement from Hakuryuu; Gojyo wandered off alone   
into the forest, trailing his own streamer of cigarette   
smoke.  
Hakkai made his own way to the water, being very   
careful to stay upwind of all three, and soon finding   
himself a quarter of the way around the lake. He sat down   
on a rock near the water, watching the little waves wash   
up around his feet. He was wary, jumping at every noise,   
every rustle in the foliage behind him -- And it isn't   
just the far side of the lake...there's something here,   
but what is it?  
Finally, the converted youkai decided to go for the   
simplest thing that was most readily available to him.   
He hadn't had a proper bath in days and there was so   
much water right in front of him. Getting to his feet,   
he began to strip by the lakeside, carefully folding his   
clothes into a neat little pile. Then, naked, he waded   
in, swimming almost to the rock formation before   
stopping to tread water and look around.  
He could faintly make out the edges of the fire in   
their camp with his one good eye, and the gleam of   
Sanzou's hair reflecting it. A handful of rocks skated   
across the water in a fan pattern, the origin marking   
Goku and Hakuryuu's location. Of Gojyo there was no sign,   
but he thought that the long night walks the redhead was   
now prone to taking was just his way of bleeding off his   
daily stresses.  
Hakkai flipped over onto his back, floating on the   
surface of the lake, stars shimmering silently so far   
above him. His eye fixed on the coruscating blue point   
almost overhead, a star that had appeared in the heavens   
only recently, and making him think of a violent death,   
and an equally violent birthing. A star drenched in its   
birth gases as he had been drenched in the demon blood   
that had turned him into one of them....  
Kana-san! Kana-san! Don't do it...don't do it...you   
don't have to die!  
Abruptly he threw himself out of the water, blindly   
making his way for the lakeshore. Tears were tracking   
down his pale cheeks as he stood there with the lake   
water washing around his ankles. The memory of Kana was   
coming back to him, freezing him inside out as the water   
and the night were conspiring to cool him down from the   
outside in.  
He did not know how long he had been shivering there,   
without his clothes or even his monocle, when someone   
suddenly came and draped the big blue blanket over his   
shoulders. Hakkai looked up, blinking furiously, every   
muscle in his body tense, but it was only Gojyo, his long   
red hair falling over both their features as he tucked   
the ends of the blanket more securely around the   
brunette's frame.  
'Nice night to die of a cold,' the redhead said as he   
lit up another cigarette and sat down nearby. ''Course I'd   
probably feel stupid if I just let you snuff it this way.   
Shame, you know, and I was already liking you a lot....'  
'What are you talking about, Gojyo-san?' He meant to   
make it sharp and angry, but the heaviness in his chest   
and the cold were draining the energy and the will from   
him, and he started to shiver even harder than before.  
'Shit no!' Hakkai dimly felt Gojyo lunge for him,   
throwing them both to the ground. A distant part of his   
mind was looking at their options: almost none. He'd   
meant to walk away from the group for a while, and the   
current distance would not be bridged by a desperate   
shout for help, even with the lake to carry the sound   
farther in the still night. There were no loose branches   
nearby and it would not be easy to start a fire; another   
dip in the lake -- even if just to shock him out of   
his stupor -- was completely out of the question.  
Do I die here today? Do I live? I do not want to   
make that decision so rashly this time....  
'Dammit, Hakkai, don't you go killing me for this,'   
Gojyo whispered harshly as the other man's eyes rolled   
back in his head, which drooped back. 'But I have to   
keep you alive.' And in the next instant, the redhead   
tore off all his clothes; he whipped the blanket off   
the furiously-shivering Hakkai, but only so that he   
could pull the other man close, then throw the dark-blue   
cloth back around them.  
He had to stop himself shivering in his own turn   
when he came into contact with Hakkai's cold, clammy   
skin; fighting that down, he drew the other man closer,   
tucking his head under his chin and tangling their   
legs together.  
'Damn you to hell, Cho Hakkai,' the half-youkai   
muttered again as he backed them laboriously into the   
shelter of the rock, so they were not only hidden from   
view, but also protected from the night breezes. 'I   
don't want you to die on me! You have to stay alive! I.   
Will. Not. Let. You. Go!'  
  
Something was pulling at him. A voice, calling out,   
more worried than angry, defiant even of his own will.  
It's so cold.  
He swam through the water in his mind's eye, stroking   
steadily away from the shore where all his memories of   
human life were, straight for the strange form   
crouching unsteadily on the rock in the center of the   
wide, deep water.  
He looked back once, when an achingly familiar voice   
shattered the stillness of the unrelieved midnight all   
around him: 'Cho Gonou! Cho Gonou! Please come back to   
me! Come back now!'   
But the woman was not the beautiful dark-haired one   
that he waited for in his deepest dreams...this one was   
a pale, fragile corpse-woman, her eyes sunken in their   
sockets. The wail had been pried from the remains of the   
long neck whose suppleness he'd tasted once in his life;   
the imploring hands reaching for him were bleached bones   
tipped with shredded streamers of papery skin.  
Despite that something was happening to her before his   
very eyes -- as he hesitated, looking at her with both fear   
and longing, she was regaining her living, beautiful self.   
The rotted skin on her hands mended and reached back up   
her body, knitting her together, forming his beloved Kana   
once again. Human eyes glowed at him once more from her   
delicate, heart-shaped face, framed with the dark hair   
he himself possessed and capped with a smile that tugged   
at his heart.  
She was there, and she was whole, and it really *was*   
her as far as he could tell, but he could not find the   
will, or the desire, in himself to turn back for the   
shore. Kana or no, something stood between them now,   
something that neither his best efforts in the water nor   
her plaintive words over the lake could ever breach.  
He moved faster through the water, as far away from   
the Kana-specter as he could, despite the lingering cry   
over the placid lake. Each stroke brought him closer to   
the rocks in the center, where another was waiting, an   
equally thin shadow cast over the quiet water near the   
rocks.  
Cho Hakkai, once Cho Gonou, had no idea why the other   
form would have a shadow, when there was neither moon nor   
stars in the sky that hung heavy over all of them there.   
But it was that same shadow on the rocks that extended   
its own hand to him now, as the skeleton woman who had   
once been, and had suddenly become, Kana had done back on   
the shore.   
He hesitated in mid-stroke, torn between the woman he   
knew as Kana on one side, and this mysterious, vaguely   
familiar other on the other -- which were looking more   
and more treacherous now that he had dared to approach   
it.  
This other had long hair of a strange indeterminate   
color, gleaming in the same muted light that cast its   
shadow without the moon or the stars. More shadows   
claimed its face, which he could somehow sense was   
pointed at him in the same way as most of its long   
limbs.   
Who are you? Have you come to judge me? And Hakkai   
repeated his questions: Do I die? Do I live? If you   
tell me you will judge, then I will submit to your   
words whatever they may be. This is the truth of my   
words.  
And finally the shadow on top of the rocks spoke, a   
strange whispery sound, so unlike the Kana-specter's   
voice and yet holding the same thread of pleading as   
hers. 'Why come to me for judgment, Cho Hakkai? That   
cannot be mine to give.'  
'I don't want that decision!' Hakkai shouted as he   
scrambled up onto the lowest rocks, barely out of the   
water, on an outcropping that left the shadow staring   
down its nose at him. He was surprised at himself for   
approaching the other, and even more surprised that he   
had dared to say it out loud. Still, the words went on   
spilling from his mouth, completely shattering his usual   
cool and kind demeanor: 'I don't want to decide that   
any more. I made that decision once in my life, and look   
where it brought me! I have had to carry the heaviest   
loads and no one thinks that I am indeed doing so!   
Whoever you are,' and the brunette sank to his knees in   
exhaustion, 'whatever you claim to be, you can't   
understand my pain, and therefore you can't tell me to   
do what you want....'  
'I am not,' the voice replied, growing ever more   
distant from him. 'While there is something I want you   
to do, I know that I am the most helpless to deal with   
your situation. That is not my purview and never will   
be. But I am here in the hope of helping you go wherever   
it is you want to go, and to make you understand that   
it is only to you that the final decision of life -- or   
death -- is left.'  
Hakkai was stunned by that speech and sat down hard   
on the rock, a pole-axed expression on his tortured   
features. 'Why me?' he finally whispered, pain filling   
him like lead, dragging him down even further into his   
depression. 'Why must it be me?'  
The shadow surprised him even more by replying, but   
with a much more gentle tone this time than it had   
started with. 'Because it has always been your life,'   
it murmured, one hand sliding around his shoulders, the   
other around his waist. 'Your life, your rules, and all   
of it guided by choices only one person makes: *you*.   
You, Cho Hakkai.'  
A strand of red hair was lodged firmly between his   
fingers and he slowly realized that he was clutching   
back at the other, and that the color belonged to   
someone he could put a definite name to. Only...he   
didn't know who it was right now.  
More and more the heaviness was pulling at him,   
and he could barely make out a coherent reply to the   
other's sudden kindness. 'My decision is...I want   
to...help me to....'  
  
Help me back to life. Please help me to live....  
There was a strangely familiar warmth around him as   
he made his long, laborious way back to consciousness,   
the fear in the back of his mind dogging his every   
pained step. Still, he held on, struggling to regain   
himself.  
His senses began to report back to him, reluctant   
but there. Sight: it was still dark around him, but   
far off the eastern sky was coming back to life, a   
faint fiery glow beginning to appear. Smell: the   
fresh scent of the lake waters and the breeze that   
drifted idly toward him, and a strange undertone of   
burned matter. Taste: the lake water, now gone cold   
and mossy in his mouth. Hearing: the rustling of   
leaves all around, and raspy exhalations. Touch:   
warmth all around him, the brush of something soft   
against his still-cool skin, and the sensation of   
something firm wrapped around him strongly.  
There was also that strange rise-and-fall sensation   
he was experiencing, and he tried to open his eyes   
so he could take a closer look.  
He was caught up in someone's grasp, cheek snug   
against the warmth of the other person's skin. He   
strained to focus on that bit of skin, and then he   
saw a series of pale hairline scars running across   
that expanse of flesh -- and he knew, even without   
seeing the blood-red hair that was the other's   
trademark -- who that shadow in his mind had been.  
He tightened his arms around Sha Gojyo's rail-thin   
frame and exhaled against him, the words coming out   
in a gusty whisper: 'Thank you for showing me the way   
back.'  
'Did no such thing,' was the unexpected but not   
unwelcome reply.  
Painfully, Hakkai levered himself up onto his elbows   
so that he could see his friend's face; the change of   
position also revealed to him that they were both as   
naked as the day they were born, and snugged together   
in his blue blanket like an overstuffed spring roll.   
'I have to thank you still,' he went on, after he was   
done processing the extraordinary sequence of events   
that had brought them to here. 'You tipped the scales.   
It was you who called me back to life. So I am very   
thankful to you for staying here with me.'  
Silence while it was Gojyo's turn to process that kind   
of input, and then he chuckled, the sound rumbling deep   
in his chest. 'Heh. Well...maybe I gotta tell you I had   
my own reasons for doing it.'  
'I'd like to hear them...that is if you don't mind.'   
That was his public persona speaking again, diffident   
and polite as always. 'Otherwise then, another day.'  
He felt the other hesitate -- actually pause to think   
about it -- before he heard an assent: 'Yeah, may as   
well make a complete fool of myself.'   
Carefully Gojyo shifted the two of them upright,   
sitting back against the rock and then letting   
Hakkai lean on his chest, their legs stretched out   
before them. The blanket insured their continued   
warmth, as did the way that they had unconsciously   
tangled their arms together.  
'Well,' and Hakkai almost jumped; that gentle   
whisper was too near his ear -- 'I think it began   
when I heard you scream in the night, soon after I   
found you. You said you wanted to live. And I'd heard   
the parts of the story that you wanted to tell me   
while I was helping you lick your wounds. And it   
kinda got me to thinking, what's this guy trying to   
prove?   
'And then I started watching you. Started   
listening for what you weren't saying. Memorized   
your expressions, you know, the way you move   
around, the way you fight. I couldn't stop wanting   
to know why you kept on, what you were looking   
for...so if you ever thought at any point before   
here that you were alone, gotta tell you you're   
dead wrong.' Another pause, and then Gojyo's hand   
spasmed on his shoulder. 'Maybe I should apologize?'  
Hakkai shook his head. 'Please go on, if there's   
anything else.'  
'Yeah, well, that's the most of it. All I wanna   
know's why you keep going on and on. But there's   
more than that. You make me want something from you   
that I couldn't find in all those women. Dammit, I   
wanna be there for you, Hakkai, you always look like   
you need it, on those nights when it rains and   
there's nothing left to do.... Feh. I sound like   
I've been prying too far into your life, I should   
leave off, shouldn't I? Say the word, I'll do it.'  
'If I may be so frank with you, Gojyo,' and   
Hakkai felt something leap in his chest once he   
dropped the honorific, 'I don't want you to go.' He   
half-turned in the redhead's grasp, at least so he   
could look at the other man's reaction. 'I don't   
want to be alone any more.'  
'You're not, there're that dragon of yours and   
the monkey and that corrupt monk....'  
'None of them saved my life for the same reasons   
you have just given me.' And then, he gathered up   
all his courage, and reached up to Gojyo's face,   
and kissed him.  
A moment of indecision, a strangled sigh, and then   
the redhead took control, turning him completely   
around and pulling him closer still.  
He felt the temperature around them both begin to   
rise, and he broke away for a moment, trying to   
assess their situation.  
Now Gojyo was leaning over him, an unusual light   
flickering in his eyes, but only supreme tenderness   
in his touch, in the hands that he had twined into   
the brunette's. Even his weight seemed comforting,   
and he and the blanket were combining to lull   
Hakkai into a rare, truly compliant mood. 'Hakkai,'   
he heard the redhead whisper, 'why are we doing   
this? Tell me why.'  
The honest question required an honest answer,   
and the converted youkai managed to pull himself   
together long enough to say, 'Because I want you to,   
and you want to. Because I think you're the one to   
give me life. It's my decision to choose life, but   
there's someone in this world who, whether he   
believes it or not, can give it to me. And that   
someone is you, Sha Gojyo.'  
'Fair enough,' Gojyo murmured, and they came   
together again, in a long, gentle kiss that brought   
tears to the brunette's eyes. 'Now lie back, Cho   
Hakkai. Enjoy yourself.'  
Hakkai voiced a little moan of complaint when   
Gojyo left his mouth; the sound abruptly turned into   
a languorous purr as the other pushed his head back,   
exposing the long stretch of his neck to some very   
amorous attentions.   
'You taste good,' the redhead said against the   
runaway pulse in his neck, every now and then   
running his skilled tongue over the flushed skin.   
'Like lake mist and fresh leaves and sweet ice   
cream.' And then Gojyo forsook words for actions,   
and for long, breathless moments nothing could be   
heard in that little haven on the lakeside but the   
sounds of passion -- little desperate whimpers and   
encouraging croons.  
Gojyo paused for a moment as he poised himself   
over the desperately writhing brunette, watching   
the pleasure -- and the emotions -- play across his   
lover's face. And for the first time there was no   
pain, no ice in that one functioning eye -- only   
life, a suddenly blazing life that flamed between   
them now, manifesting in the desire they were both   
feeling, the utter urgency....  
He could no longer hold himself back -- he plunged   
into Hakkai -- they started to cry out each other's   
names, the words growing louder and louder and   
finally the scream as they became one, echoing into   
the distant sky above them.  
  
Life settled back into its old routine as they   
returned to the journey: Goku was still not   
satisfied with their food; Sanzou still had that   
insufferably superior air about him like an extra   
set of robes, Gojyo still got bored easily with the   
scenery that they passed.  
But now Hakkai was happy, and he was no longer   
cold -- and not even the winds of late autumn could   
chill him now. With Gojyo's intervention, the   
voices in his head -- Cho Gonou's and Kana's -- had   
fallen silent. The scar over his stomach was still   
there, but the wound on his soul was closing now,   
healing with astonishing rapidity, bothering him   
less every day.  
He *did* spend one night crying in the   
redhead's arms, though -- grief-stricken, wondering   
why he was feeling so much better, so much faster.   
'In my heart I still feel it's too soon to forget   
her....' He was cut off with two fingers over his   
lips, a pair of eyes staring into his own reddened   
ones, and Gojyo's words: 'Please, Hakkai. You've   
been over this even in your own mind. Made a   
decision, didn't you, chose to live, didn't choose   
to die. If she doesn't say anything any more,   
doesn't mean she left you...put her to rest. Every   
time you cry you make her rise again as a ghost.   
She's tired too. Let her go. Please, for me?'  
'You don't seem bothered by her at all.'  
The look the redhead turned on him was vulnerable,   
aching...honest. 'She does. I always gotta be   
competing. You remember her first. Hurts like hell,   
but I know I gotta go on, because I think I love   
you too much for my own good.'  
'Kana-san was once everything to me,' the   
brunette whimpered, his composure as broken as   
his voice. 'She was my world, when I loved her.'  
'Can't say for sure as how I know that for   
myself,' and Gojyo sat up to light the candle on   
his bedside table, throwing the room into flickering   
light and shadow that lit his mouth but hid his eyes.   
'Really loving a woman, I mean -- no first-hand   
experience, you know that already. But I think I know   
what it's like to have someone to love and make into   
the world for me, for somebody to be so important   
I'd give all I had, which really isn't much.'  
Heart pounding, Hakkai sat up and swung his legs   
over to his lover's side of the bed, so that they   
were sitting next to each other; he took Gojyo's   
hands in his own, and leaned in close. 'Anyone I   
know, Gojyo-san?' he said, a smile playing around   
his lips.  
'Yeah, well maybe, you never really know,' was   
the redhead's reply. The tension was still there   
between them, and now *something* else was there as   
well, the pleasant warmth between them and also the   
passion they both held. 'Lotsa beautiful girlies   
out there, yanno, lotsa guys too. And here I thought   
I never would look at a guy. But then when I look   
at you, Hakkai,' and he kissed their joined hands,   
'I don't care if you're a guy or even if you were   
a girl...I just wanna grab you and never let you   
go ever.'  
'Do you....' And Hakkai hesitated, shy about the   
words he'd never spoken since the night of his change.   
'Do you think you could love someone like me, Gojyo?'   
he asked, dropping the honorific once again.  
'Depends really,' and Gojyo disentangled himself   
from the brunette, but reluctantly. 'Would you love   
a half-breed?'  
'If he or she were like you...maybe,' was the prompt   
answer.  
'Maybe?'  
Hakkai smiled at him, a true smile, not the empty   
one he showed everyone else. 'Maybe because I think   
I can't find anyone like the one I already chose   
to...to love,' and he winced as he hesitated, mostly   
because the other man seemed to be hanging on to his   
every word. 'I mean, if you'll let me, I want to   
love you, Gojyo.'  
'Why? Because I've been saving your life?   
Because you think I did something for you?' His   
tense expression had softened, but only slightly.  
'No.' The one word was forceful, strong. 'I   
want to love you because I think you love me,   
but it's not out of gratitude...I would love   
you because I want to share what I have with   
you, whether that be my bed or my food or my   
life. I would love you because you are who you   
are -- strong and kind under your skin, and   
passionate about fighting and life and...and   
love. And I want to know all of that about you.'  
Finally, after a long moment of silence -- during   
which the candle sputtered fitfully, plunging the   
room into semi-darkness -- Gojyo knelt down in front   
of Hakkai, retaking his hands. 'I wasn't   
expecting any of that, yanno, but what you said   
-- it's beautiful, and it's real, and it's all I   
want.' He moved up, getting right into the   
brunette's face. 'Just as I want you. No, that's   
not right,' and he kissed the corner of the other   
man's mouth. 'It's just the same reasons why I love   
you.'  
  
The next morning there was a very irritated look   
on Sanzou's face when they set off again. 'Hey,   
you two,' and he glared at the rear-view mirror, at   
the two faces reflected in it. 'Keep it down, or   
you'll be doing it in the next world.'  
'You're just envious,' was Gojyo's reply, showing   
the irate monk all of his teeth in a smile.   
'Staying in the back seat with the monkey getting   
to you?' In the next instant there was a loud   
*thwack* and the redhead was rubbing his pate,   
which had been struck with a particularly vengeful   
paper fan.  
'Shut up!'  
It was Hakkai's turn to look into the mirror,   
and when he had caught a pair of golden eyes, he   
smiled, just a little. 'Enjoying yourself, Goku-san?   
How's the show?'  
The younger-looking man flashed him a v-sign,   
grinning so widely his eyes were nearly closed.   
'Sugee, Hakkai, you tell 'im!'  
'I do my best.' The brunette's smile widened and   
he reached back for a moment to pat Goku's toy bear   
on its head.  
'Yeah, you sure do,' and Gojyo dropped one long   
arm around his lover's shoulders.  
Sanzou rolled his eyes and turned up his nose.  
Goku cuddled his toy bear close.  
Jiipu let out a delighted little squeal.  
The Journey to the West went on.  
And Cho Hakkai and Sha Gojyo began their own   
journey together. 


End file.
